28 julho 2008

Dicas sádicas sobre como um homem pode irritar completamente a sua mulher (Versão inglesa) …

As seguintes dicas são sobejamente conhecidas por qualquer aspirante a psicóloga que preste consultadoria privada a homens casados por quem tantas vezes se apaixonam no início das suas prestigiadas carreiras citadinas, nos quais depositam a ilusão de descobrirem a razão porque é que se sentiam atraídas tanto pela figura do seu pai …

- Faz com que ela grite tanto, ao ponto de a pores doida.

You need to plan this out carefully.

Make sure to choose a night when she is really exhausted and feeling brittle.

Be super nice and supportive, so she calmly drifts off to sleep.

Then, go quietly to the next room and get the Horse Head Pillow (that you some how have figured out how to chill so that it feels cold and damp).

Lay it down next to her right where you normally sleep.

Scamper around to get the fake blood you bought (make absolutely sure it's the washable kind or you are surely dead meat!!) all over the sheets and the floor around the bed.

Stand over the bed trying not to giggle too loudly as you watch her sleeping and wait for her to try to cuddle you.

Observe carefully as she drifts awake and tries to figure out what is in bed with her.

Savor the feeling of anticipation as she opens her eyes.

Voila, you got yourself an instant heart attack!

If you don't have your woman screaming hysterically and jumping 10 feet off the bed, your woman is not a normal woman and needs to be institutionalized.

- Faz com que ela pare de falar ao telefone com as amigas.

If you have a very social woman in your life (and by social, I mean constantly yapping on the phone about someone's breasts looking too big (as if that's even possible) or whether this season's toe nail polish colors are "flattering"), you may be one of those guys who can put an incoming phone call blocking device to really good use.

To ensure that your attempts at sparking up your relationship have the necessary impact, you need think ahead.

You will need to set up your honey few weeks before you actually install the device to adequately play on your honey's insecurities.

A few weeks before D-Day, you should casually mention that you think so and so has seemed a bit cold lately and ask if your womanhas noticed so and so being a bit distant.

Ask her if she has done anything to upset so and so?

Then, a few days later, mention that you overheard one of your honey's other friends talking to her husband and saying that she was really annoyed with your woman.

Make sure you pick a trait that you actually find annoying about her so that it is a plausible point of annoyance for other people.

Then, for about two weeks, any time a few hours goes by without the phone ringing, mention that it sure is quiet around the house when the phone is not constantly ringing.

Finally, on D-Day, turn off the incoming calls (Oh, you need to make sure to turn off her cell phone or accidentally lose it so she can't find it for the days that the house phone is shut off. A quiet weekend will probably work best).

Sit there with an innocent looking face and enjoy the snickers you try to keep to yourself as she starts wondering why no one is calling her.

When she sounds particularly worried, remind her that you had heard from so and so that your honey does have a tendency to be ... whatever and that she really should change that if she wants to have friends.

Watch with unbridled amusement as she gets wackier and wackier as no one calls her for days.

See how long it can go on before she finally figures out what you have done.

- Chama-lhe nomes asneirentos à frente das suas amigas.

For this idea, to work, you should choose a special event that is important to her, like a birthday or an anniversary.

Go out of your way to be nice and charming, and make a big show of getting her friends together to celebrate her special day.

Make sure to invite the friends who are not really friends but friends that she's always competing with and wanting to impress.

After dinner, make a big show of making a great toast and announcing what a unique person your wife is.

Bring out a lavishly gift-wrapped box.

Tell everyone that you couldn’t help thinking of your wife immediately when you saw this present and that you are sure that everyone else would agree that this is perfect for her.

Let her open up the beautiful box of "Bitch Perfume".

And laugh when everyone sees what you got her and act like you think you are the funniest guy on the planet, because you are!

- Faz com que a casa onde ela mora cheire mal.

Find an excuse to have a bunch of people over your house.

Convince your mate to be the "hostess with the most-est."

It may be a great idea to get a friendly boss in on the joke so you can really work the joke for all its worth.

If the boss is willing to play along, get your honey to believe that you are up for a big promotion and that a great dinner would be the thing that puts you over the top in getting the promotion.

When the house is sparkling clean and everything is ready, sprinkle “Doodoo Drops” liberally on something she can't easily move out of the house.

Right when the first guests ring the doorbell, ask her if she smells anything weird.

As soon as your guests come in, ask jokingly who is bringing in the horrible smell.

Then, later, when everyone is fully aware that something in the house really stinks, make a joke loud enough for her to hear that your mate has been having some stomach problems lately and it’s been a challenge to constantly have to clean up after her.

- Faz com que ela sinta que tem um rabo enormíssimo.

For those men out there with women that are paranoid about the size of their butts, this is a fabulous relationship building idea.

If you have the money to actually buy this “Big John Extra Big Toilet” (with about 200% more seating than a standard round toilet seat and an extra wide reinforced base), the look of horror and dismay on your woman's face when you give her this gift telling her that you really thought she'd be more comfortable now, will be worth every penny, and frankly, it'd be priceless.

If you can't swing the money, and you need the cheap man's version of the Big Butt John, then a couple of brochures laying around the house the next time anyone comes to visit is sure to be a big hit.

It will surely delight your lady to try to explain what the Big Butt Toilet brochure is doing in her house.

- Faz com que ela pense que tu estás a traí-la.

Women are odd.

They don't want anything another woman doesn't want.

So for many women, there is nothing more attractive or nothing they want more than a man with another woman (Ladies, you know this is totally true so put your eyeballs back in your head!).

Now, you can put that valuable piece of insight into the female psyche to good use to spice up your marriage.

All you need to do to make your mate obsessed about you is to make her think that you are having an affair.

You won't have to do much to get her to believe it.

Women always think men are on the verge of cheating on them.

Just suddenly show more interest in working out than in drinking beer.

When she says she's going shopping, eagerly tell her you want to go with her as you think your need to get some nicer threads.

Be willing to replace your favorite boxers that say "Drunk and Stupid" from your college days for some new designer briefs.

Spend a few nights late "at the office".

Make it obvious when you get home that you have drunk your fair share of wine (and smell like our friend's borrowed perfume).

Then, as the final topper, slide a brochure from the Alibi Network somewhere where she is absolutely sure to find it while she is snooping around trying to figure out what you are up to.

Make sure you put some sort of invisible marker on the brochure so you can tell when she has touched it.

You may want to try a small hair or tiny piece of paper.

A few days after you are sure she's found the Alibi papers, casually mention that you have to go on a surprise business trip next weekend.

Sit back, and watch what it looks like when a woman is fighting for her man!

Just imagine the tears of joy she will have when she find out you are still all hers.

If she doesn't believe you, well, I don't know how to help you.

- Não lhe dês a sua jóia favorita.

Does your woman love a little sparkle?

Is she one of those women that believes that diamonds are really a girl's best friend?

Is she one of those types that's always checking out the size of her friends' rocks and commenting to you about how her ring really isn't all that big or how she wants something bigger for her ring?

Then, this idea is perfect for you.

It will certainly be good enough to give you a few nights in the dog house, especially if she's waiting impatiently for you to get serious in the relationship.

Next time an important date (like your anniversary) is coming up, ask her a series of questions (in a very casual and innocent manner) like: whether she likes gold or platinum better, does she think a one carat ring is too small or just right, etc..

Then, on the selected gift giving day, wrap up a nice tool or kitchen appliance up for your mate.

After she has opened her present, and she has shown the proper amount of fake delight, tell her excitedly that is not all!

Present her with an exquisitely wrapped box ring box.

Tell her how really blessed you feel to have someone who loves you with such devotion.

Share with her while tearing up that its been so wonderful to come home everyday to someone who really cares.

When she opens up the box and looks really confused, say you did not want the dog to get all jealous so you got a present for the dog too.

Look all dumb and proud, like when you took a huge dump, as you sneak glances at her face while it turns from a misty-eyed angel to a lunatic in a pure blinding rage.

- Faz com que ela se sinta um pedaço de carne.

This is a great relationship idea if you are involved with a Femi-nazi that has even the slightest tendency to think that all men are pigs, that all men objectify women and that all men only think of them as sexual objects.

For this idea to work well, you need to prepare your woman by complaining about your sex life for awhile.

You need to pretend to not be interested in sex with her (this is the hard part but the payoff is really worth it).

Then, when your honey comes home one night (pick a Friday when she is sure to be exhausted and cranky) look really excited to show her the amazing gift you just got her.

Act like you know she's going to really like it and show it to her proudly.

Tell her in an excited voice that you think this is perfect for her.

Volunteer that since she's been looking heavy lately, you have also signed her up for stripper classes as well and that you know she will enjoy the exercise since she certainly needs it.

In a super earnest and practically desperate manner, confess to her that you have been having problems “rising to the occasion” on a couple of your most recent intimate encounters.

Tell her that you have really spent a lot of time thinking about your sex life and that you believe that this will really help you.

Whisper to her in a whiney voice that you have been having frequent fantasies of being the pimp to her inner whore.

Explain that you debated the idea of her stripping and the idea of swinging with the Bertha and Bert next door, and you decided the stripping was more her.

- Põe uma máscara nela parecida àquela do filme “O Silêncio dos Inocentes”.

There are some of us blessed with a woman who can talk.

Others are even more blessed with woman who can talk and talk and talk.

I know that these especially blessed fellows are usually ready to do almost anything for a small bit of quiet.

Rather than just trying to tune her out or wearing ear plugs all the time, what can a man do for some much needed silence and time to think?

Yes, you can go running off to the toilet and spend an hour or so there, but what then?

You know you have to come out of there.

Your butt will be sore from sitting on the hard toilet seat and the bathroom always starts to feel uncomfortably warm when you’ve been sitting there too long.

Well, I think giving her this totally cool face muzzle may subtly get the point across without hurting her feelings that you really want her to shut up.

With this on her face, she will find it difficult and perhaps near impossible to forget that you would like her to be quiet once in awhile.

I am not sure what is the best way to present your loved one with a muzzle.

I leave that to your own creative mind.

I personally think the best way is to simply put the muzzle on her while she is sleeping and looked shock when she points it out to you.

You can ask in anger, why on earth did you buy a chasity belt for your mouth?



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